Mishaps of the Neighborhood-Friendly Claptrap
by J.R. Vegas
Summary: This is more humorous than the things I usually tend to write about, mainly because it's drabble. Anyways...Claptrap's trying to film some sequences for Borderlands 2 and a potential sequel, but it's not working as planned. T for language/violence.
1. Chapter 1

_Note from J.R.'s Desk: This chapter focuses on Borderlands: Protocol, a story I have been putting thought into, which has characters from a bigger idea in general I call Omega Protocol, but still...enjoy!_

At the top of the mountain where the first Vault was discovered, in the Eridian Promontory, Axton stood, pistol in hand, looking over the Vault Hunters. "I'm sick of all the bullshit," he panted, frustration rising high. "I'm finding NO closure in any of this, and what do I get?! Dogged mistreatment! I'm done! I'm going to kill someone! God dammit!" He waved the pistol around frenetically, anger seeping into him.

Mordecai stepped forward. "There's no need for this, Axton! Come down!"

"Like hell I am!"

Mordecai suddenly pulled out a bottle of Rakk-Ale and took a swig.

"CUT," came the voice of a familiar Hyperion robot – Claptrap. He rolled onto the mountainside, looking around at everyone. "Mordecai, what the HELL are you doing? This is a serious scene, you're not supposed to drink in it!"

"Well, ah...I was a little thirsty. All the shouting makes me hoarse."

"Ah, my robotic butt. Do it again, this time without the bottle." Claptrap rolled out of sight, readying the camera. "And, action!"

"Come down, Axton! We can solve this in other ways!"

"Like what, me putting trust in some crap statement that'll end up making me distrust all of you even more than I already do?" Instead of waving the pistol around, Axton chose to push it against his temple. Claptrap was getting excited, because one of the climactic scenes was about to hit. "You know what? I'm sick of it!"

"Axton! Dammit, don't do this! We need you, man! Hear that, NEED!" This time, it was Salvador stepping forward. "If we're gonna beat Saint Omega and stop his Taker from annihilating Pandora, then we need you to come back down! We can't do this without you!"

"Oh boy," Claptrap said, too low for the camera to pick up, "it's going to happen. Shift POV..."

Whoops, too late. Axton pulled the trigger on the gun he was supposed to aim above his head, and Claptrap failed miserably at shifting the point-of-view on the cameras. Claptrap just sat there, seeing Axton fall away, blood pouring out of his skull. "HOLY ****! THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! GOD ****ING DAMMIT!"

Of course, Axton digistructed at the nearby New-U Station, but at this point, Claptrap was so infuriated he called off the filming for the day. "Well, I guess Borderlands: Protocol's going to take a while. Boy, do I wish I could drink. Rakk-Ale all day...if I could. I wonder what thirsty feels like..."

_J.R.'s Desk II: I hope you guys enjoyed this start of something I feel will refresh me!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Note from J.R.'s Desk: I'm going to be doing these notes every chapter; I'll also answer reviews if I receive any. (That is, if I DO get any...so lonely...) Anyways, this chapter focuses on Borderlands 2. You'll know what I'm talking about._

The Observation Wing of the Wildlife Exploitation Reserve research center was rising with the stench of slag. The Vault Hunters looked out over it as the little porthole opened. All of them were hearing Handsome Jack on their ECHO communicators. "You want Bloodwing back, huh? Shame; I've been doing some really interesting Eridium experiments with her. But..." As soon as Jack said that, Bloodwing rose into view, a massive, slagged version of her former self. "...she's all yours." Bloodwing spread her wings and screeched loudly, her cry echoing over the Preserve.

"Oh my God..." Mordecai was dumbfounded by the size of the bird that had once been his precious Bloodwing. The horror on his face would've been noticed if not for the fact he was too far away to be seen.

Over the ECHOnet, Roland said, "Good God...Sorry, soldiers, but you'll need to put Bloodwing down. If you can do anything to save her, do so, if not...she has what we need, and that's what matters here."

After that, Jack triumphantly boasted, "Just give it UP, Vault Hunters! Bloodwing has all of the elements at her disposal! Fire! Corrosion! Electricity! Slag! And...wait, what was the other one...?"

"CUT!" Claptrap stormed into the nearby building where Jack was. "Are you freakin' kidding me, Jack? You should know what the last element is! It's the goddamn element of Torgue, for crying out loud! Anyways, let's do it again!" Claptrap rolled off, and focused on the Observation Wing. "And...action!"

As soon as the action began, Mordecai said, "Jack, you're gonna regret bringing Bloodwing into this!" Meanwhile, the Vault Hunters were striking out at Bloodwing, firing their guns at her, and evading her attacks.

Jack shouted, "Fire!" Bloodwing swooped down and embraced the fire element as it swept over her, changing her power. "Fire, slag, electricity, corrosion's coming up next...what's the last one?"

Claptrap groaned. "It's TORGUE's," he said quietly. Jack seemed to pay him no mind, for as the fight shifted into its next phase, Bloodwing became corroded. Not long afterwards, she became electrified, which was the last stage of the fight.

"Ugh, dammit, what was the last one again...?"

"TORGUE, Jack, Torgue."

"Hmm..."

Soon, Bloodwing was bested, and Mordecai said, "I'm getting her with a tranq! Tranquila, Blood, this won't hurt, I promise!" The crack of a sniper rifle sounded soon afterwards, and Bloodwing moaned before she hit the ground, head to the side, breathing heavily.

"Now remember what comes after they get the upgrade, Jack."

Axton stepped forwards to collect the upgrade from Bloodwing's neck, and as he stepped back to inspect it, Jack shouted, "That's right, I know what comes next..." Bloodwing sat up and began to spasm. "EXPLOOOSIIIIIVE!"

With that, Bloodwing's head exploded, accompanied by a frenzied "NOOO!" from Mordecai. Claptrap gave Jack a thumbs-up, or what passed for one with his 3-pronged hand, anyway.

"There you go, Jack!" With that, Claptrap rolled away to watch the Vault Hunters leave the Preserve. He knew what would happen shortly afterwards. Mordecai was to load explosive rounds and start blowing away Badass Loaders that were fired down from the Hyperion moon base. Sure enough, the Vault Hunters began the final stretch of the Preserve, and the Loaders streaked down.

Mordecai screamed in fury and yelled, "DIE! DIE! YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" However, in his rage that was acted far too well, Mordecai shot at Claptrap and sent him flying.

"GOD DAMMIT MORDECAI...!" Claptrap fell off the edge of the cliff and respawned at the New-U station. "Close enough, I mean, you all DID get out alive...even though Mordecai shot me in the freakin' face." The real Bloodwing flew by, just enough for the camera to see. "Son of a...Come on!" Claptrap went up to Mordecai's lookout, thus ending the filming for the day. The scene, "Farewell, Old Friend," worked well enough. Well, if you counted Jack screwing up, Claptrap taking an explosive round to the face, and the actual Bloodwing zipping by to reunite with Mordecai post-filming.

_J.R.'s Desk II: This seemed to come out decently. (That's what she said, lololol) I don't think I managed to write it all that well, but it's not meant to be COMPLETLY funny, but it's just meant to be a gag reel of sorts. I tried...right?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Note from J.R.'s Desk: There was a slight typo in the last chapter, so I went in and fixed it up. Still no reviews in sight, a shame. Ah well, doesn't mean I'll write any less. Onwards!_

Claptrap rolled out to the town of Fyrestone, where he had greeted the original Vault Hunters on the start of their journey through Pandora. "Great, so now I'm here again. The script for Borderlands 2 says this place has to be defiled...slagged...full of loaders...easily done."

Claptrap called in Handsome Jack on the ECHOnet. "Hey, Jack, I need your help."

Sounds of munching and smacking were heard on the other end. "Hey there...god damn these pretzels really DO suck. What do you need, you piece of machinery?"

Ignoring the jab, Claptrap answered, "You know Fyrestone? The little town in the Badlands? Yeah, I need you to set up Eridium pipelines and pretty much screw the place up."

"Lemme guess, I should name it Jackville?"

"You got it!"

"Alright, good enough. What's the pay?"

"Uh...about $10,000,000."

"Fair enough. It'll be done in the hour."

"In the hour!? Holy ****, Jack! You're my new best friend!"

"...I'll just ignore that." With that, Jack hung up on the Claptrap.

Claptrap sat near the deactivated Catch-a-Ride station, watching as Loaders poured in and began construction of Eridium pipelines, dumping slag into parts of the town as they did so. One of them took the sign for Fyrestone down and replaced it with a Jackville sign. Claptrap gave them his equivalent of a thumbs up, and soon, they were finished, complete with the Hyperion Info Stockade towering above the remains of Fyrestone. "Great! Now I should ready up for the next part of the film – the newbies come into Fyrestone's remains to raid the Info Stockade!"

-_Heyooo!_-

The six Vault Hunters entered the Badlands portion of the Arid Nexus, looking around at the remains of the first passage of the first four – the damned remnants of Fyrestone, devoured by the greed of Hyperion, or whatever it was Claptrap wanted to call it. As the travellers advanced towards Fyrestone, Axton pulled out his rifle and shot a few Skags as they ran towards the adventurers, making sure they didn't get close. The Vault Hunters passed under the Fyrestone – or rather, Jackville – gates, beholding the once-living town of Fyrestone...or Jackville. Without warning, the group were ambushed by Loaders.

"Hijo de puta, Hyperion's got loaders here," Salvador shouted in frustration. He set to gunzerking, firing metric tons of bullets at any Loader that moved. Axton chucked a turret at a house, and it stuck to one's door, promptly blowing away a Loader in front of it. Zero sent out a decoy, rushing forward while invisible and hacking apart Loaders as he went. Gaige's Deathtrap set to dismantling Loaders as the group rushed through Fyrestone towards the elevator to the Info Stockade. As they went, Gaige accidentally got some Slag in her mouth. "I'm slagged! It's in my mouth! Uhm, guys?!" Zero responded by looking at her and flashing a **8===D **on his visor, pissing off the Mechromancer, who accepted a bottle of water from the resident Siren.

"Alright," Claptrap whispered, "it's time for Saturn. Come on out..." But Saturn never showed up. Confused, Claptrap moved out of the range of the cameras, looking around for the gargantuan Loader. He took the elevator up to the Info Stockade's highway when no one was looking, and found a diamond pony instead. "Oh, come on! You mean to tell me Jack sent Butt Stallion instead of Saturn!? Dammit!" Suddenly, a moonshot came from the Hyperion moon base, and struck Butt Stallion dead-on, destroying the pony and revealing the massive Loader that was Saturn. "HaHA! Claptrap always wins, baby!" At that, Saturn casually fired a missile at the smaller Hyperion bot, sending him flying away.

The Vault Hunters drew themselves into fierce combat with Saturn, dodging missiles and sending back bullets as they battled. Claptrap slowly rolled out of sight, trying to get back to his filming spot. "Come on, I'm almost there..." Claptrap barely got into the filming spot when a rocket crashed into where he had been just mere moments before. "Yeesh! Not that again!" Eventually, the Vault Hunters brought Saturn down, ending it in a colossal explosion that shredded the top half of the loader, yet the bottom half stood upright. The Vault Hunters took the elevator up and made their way towards the Info Stockade. Claptrap flipped the viewpoint and waited, watching them as they went. Mordecai's scripted lines went through the ECHOnet, and they obtained the map data for the Hero's Pass, where the Warrior was buried. Jack had been sending Eridium to the pass so he could awaken the Warrior.

Claptrap watched as the filming wrapped up. "That worked out a lot better than the Wildlife Exploitation Reserve scene did. Wow, I totally didn't get beat up or anything! Amazing!" At that exact moment, Saturn's lower half fell backwards, crashing down onto Claptrap's shack where he was filming. "Oh, for the love of..." So much for easy filming.

_J.R.'s Desk II: This one personally felt a little weak, but I hope the ending redeemed it all! I slipped in a little reference to another author's drabble, if you happen to read this, author, I hope you chuckle at my reference and totally don't bitch me out for slipping it in! (That would suck. Q_Q)_


	4. Chapter 4

_Note from J.R.'s Desk: Holy crap, I actually got a review!_

_To ubermaster: Yes, that's the plot...if you could even call it that. Hopefully the author of the story I pulled the reference from sees it and (maybe) doesn't go after me! Good to see we found it amusing!_

_Also, I'm going to step backwards from the Info Stockade plot-point and focus this chapter on the Control Core Angel scene._

Claptrap watched from above as fighting raged – Angelic Guards fired their lasers at the Vault Hunters, Roland included, as they struggled to destroy the Eridium injectors that kept Angel alive and powered. He adjusted a camera slightly, satisfied at the carnage going on below. "Ah, the good-old-fashioned scene of fighting to get to a central plot point! Never gets old!" Claptrap picked up the popcorn he had, and would've eaten a piece, had it not harmlessly bounced off him, falling into the insanity below. "Dammit, right. Can't eat this stuff. I can't eat at all! Wow, I'm a moron!" The only issue was he said it too enthusiastically.

Meanwhile, Roland began to run towards one of the towers that led to one of the electronic bridges. "I'm going to go disable the shields on one of the Eridium injectors, just stay alive!" The Vault Hunters acknowledged this by pressing the fight onwards. Roland ran up the dark stairs and emerged across one of the bridges from an Eridium injector. "Alright, time to go," he whispered to himself as he began to run across the bridge. A few shots from below nearly hit him, but to his luck, they missed. He made it across, and flung open the fusebox, and set to work.

Zero appeared behind an Angelic Guard, fresh out of Deception, and impaled it through its torso, and removed his blade from the Loader as it fell, dead. He promptly unleashed a fury of strikes at another Loader, slicing off an arm and a leg, and ramming the blade through its eye. He backflipped onto a Loader behind him, kicking it in the eye, destroying it and rendering the Loader sightless before he rammed his sword through its torso. As he jumped away from the falling Loader, Claptrap stared in what would've been a dropped jaw had he been human. "Holy crap, Zero," was all the Hyperion robot could manage.

Handsome Jack's face flashed up on the wall-screens. "Angel, you don't have to do this," he shouted. "I can still forgive you!" Maya snorted in disgust and phaselocked an ION Loader, smirking as the bullets from her SMG tore the robot apart. She ended the phaselock, dropping the very dead Loader to the ground. Jack continued on, ranting and raving. "So, you just HAD to go after Angel, huh? Have to go after a man's daughter in order to kill him!? You bandits are sick! Sick and twisted excuses of people! I'll show you what you get for not following the rules!" Claptrap inwardly applauded Jack's performance there, it had been pulled off spectacularly.

The first mishap of filming this scene happened some time after severing the first Eridium injector.  
A very damaged EXP Loader decided to fly away from the combat, and landed very near Claptrap. The steward-bot noticed the EXP Loader, and immediately starting grabbing his equipment. "Crap on a cracker, there's a Loader!" The EXP Loader ran towards Claptrap, giving him no time to run, and the prompt explosion from the Loader sent Claptrap sailing away, leaving him to smack into a freshly-exposed Eridium injector, severing it and drenching him in slag. "Mmmph! I'm covered in the stuff! I would sound frustrated and-slash-or depressed because of the fact I'm slagged, but my programming makes me sound happy about it! Curse you, programmers!" Claptrap attempted to leap up, only to slip and fall forward in the slag. Fortunately for him, a Loader's top half sailed through the air and passed through the spot Claptrap had just been. After a little struggling, Claptrap got up and rolled away posthaste, trying to get back to his filming spot as quickly as he could.

Just as he got back to his filming spot, Lilith showed up on the battlefield. Claptrap worried instantaneously; this was NOT part of the script! He could make it work, though! He had had Roland set up to be digistructed at a New-U after he "died" in the film, so he could rest and enjoy a relaxing break after his final scene. Plus, now with Lilith's unscripted appearance, it would be that much more real! Perfect!

Lilith stormed up to the last fusebox, and disabled it, exposing the final Eridium injector. Salvador hefted out a rocket launcher and fired a rocket at it, blowing the injector to bits, and thus ending the battle to obtain the Vault Key and stop Jack from controlling the Vault. Angel slowly began to float to the ground, dying. Or, so she was supposed to in the film. She was just going to digistruct anyway. Jack cried out, "I can still forgive you, Angel! Just stop this and it'll all be okay, I swear!"

"Dad..." Angel looked up. "I have to tell you something." Time seemed to stop in the room. All the Vault Hunters watched Angel, concerned and knowing she would die. "...You're an asshole." With that, Angel sagged, and died. Claptrap mimed wiping a tear away at the tragic scene.

"Angel!? ANGEL! NO, ANGEL!" Jack's anguish could be heard throughout the core.

Lilith looked at the dead Siren, and said, "What sort of madman would do this to their daughter...?"

"A sick kind of man/Would only do this to be/The monster we hate," Zero responded in haiku, as he usually did.

Roland looked Angel over one last time, and stood facing the Vault Hunters, away from Angel. "Well, we have the Vault Key now, though it didn't come without a price. Lilith, you and I are going to go back to Sanctuary with the Vault Key. Meanwhile, we're going to need to prepare to stop Jack, once and for all."

Roland never noticed Jack appearing behind him, leveling a pistol with his back.

_BLAM!_

Roland looked down at the hole that had appeared in his chest, dumbfounded. "ROLAND!" Lilith watched, horrified, as her ex-boyfriend and fellow Vault Hunter fell forward, blood pooling under his body. She looked up and saw Handsome Jack. "You BASTARD, I'm going to..." She unleashed her Siren power and surged forward.

Jack smiled smugly at her and thrust his hand forwards, locking a collar around her neck. "Language, my dear Lilith." he grabbed the Siren and forced her to stand. "Now then, kill the Vault Hunters." Against Lilith's will, her tattoos began to glow. "Do it." Her power flared, and Claptrap covered his eye as the power flash teleported the Vault Hunters away. Roland digistructed, and Lilith looked around, confused. "What the...?"

Claptrap came down from his filming spot. "Roland's not dead, silly! Remember it's still a film!"

"Are you kidding me? You little piece of..."

"Language, Lilith."

"Alright, Jack, now you have to make her teleport you to the Hero's Pass into the Vault of the Warrior! Chop-chop!" With that, Jack seized Lilith's collar and they warped away. Roland stepped out of the New-U, looking at his chest. "Roland, you're fine. Digistruction!"

"I could've sworn I removed myself from the system."

"Nah, this IS a film, remember? Now, go take yourself a nice vacation; that was your last scene."

"...You dirty little robot," Roland responded jokingly.

"The feeling's mutual. Now then, I have to get to Sanctuary to get a look at the newbies so they can start getting to the Eridium Blight!"

Roland departed from the core, and Angel digistructed. "Well...er, Claptrap."

"Yes, Angel?"

"I meant it when I said my dad was an asshole."

"I think he knows the feeling's mutual!"

"Hey...!"

"Well, I'll be on my way! Ciao!" With that, the steward bot set off, only for a barely-hanging Eridium injector to break and smash into him, sending him flying in a stream of slag. "Slag? Nooooooooooooo!"

_J.R.'s Desk II: Yay, lots of game-breaking logic. First Bloodwing in Chapter 2, now Roland and Angel in this chapter! I like going against the continuity for the sake of convenience! It'll make the process of creating Borderlands: Protocol maybe a little more explainable! That's this chapter wrapped up, and I'll see you guys next update! (And maybe with more reviews for me! I hope so!)_


	5. Chapter 5

_Note from J.R.'s Desk: Another review! (It's from the same guy, but WHO CARES IT'S A FRICKIN' REVIEW YAYAYAYA)_

To ubermaster: Yeah, I think it would be interesting, although there'd be loads of behind-the-scenes gag reels to watch! I'd be laughing for days on end!

This time, I'm doing a scene from the very start of Borderlands 2: The train scene before the parts in Windshear Waste!

Four Vault Hunters. Four people who had never met in their lives stood near each other in the blue-gray train compartment, the side-grips of the train pulling it against the hover-rails. The slight screech of the rail dug into the ears of the Vault Hunters like earwigs, wriggling into the depths of the drums and raising absolute havoc within them.

One of the four was a blue-haired woman wearing a yellow, skintight top complete with gray, baggy cargo pants. A small hint of mascara was on her face, and blue Siren tattoos laced her body. _Maya. _Nearby was a man of small stature, sporting a mohawk and a pair of goggles atop his bawdry head. He had two assault rifles on his back, good for what he did best. _Salvador. _Across from them rested a man with choppy brown hair, sitting next to a small turret pedestal that he kept with him at all times, and for good reason, too. _Axton. _Finally, near the brown-haired man stood a mysterious enigma of a man, with a long, black-faced helmet, complete with a black armored bodysuit to accompany it. A sword was sheathed on his back, and he wasn't afraid to use it. _Zer0._

Claptrap peeked out from the door of the train compartment, holding onto the back of the car in order to keep his stability on the train. He saw the Vault Hunters sitting on the train, waiting patiently to reach their destinations. Claptrap waved to signal whatever was ahead, and the sign sporting Handsome Jack's face fell, revealing a rather ominous phrase and a lot of Loaders approaching.

Claptrap fist-pumped to himself as the four Vault Hunters set to fighting off the Loaders. Axton threw his turret onto the top of the car, and it opened fire, shredding a Loader that got in its way. Maya watched, dumbfounded, and then phaselocked another Loader, squeezing it with her mind until it was completely annihilated. Behind them, Salvador pulled the rifles from his back and began to spray into the hordes of Loaders, mowing them down with little effort. However, a battle atop the train was between men, and none else. Zer0 stood, facing away from two Hyperion Engineers. They began to approach him, a tough task in the high wind of the train's movement, and the Assassin turned on them, and vanished without a trace as an Engineer punched at the spot he had just been. The second Engineer gasped his last breath as Zer0 plunged his blade into the man's chest, through the heart, and the Assassin flipped over the body and kicked the other Engineer onto the blade, impaling him on it. Zer0 casually retrieved his sword and dropped back into the cabin, reuniting with the other Vault Hunters.

And so they went, fighting Loaders as they advanced through the train cars. Claptrap followed at a safe distance, carefully wheeling over Loader remains. He fell over one. "Oh. I need to not do that." He leapt up, and set to rolling again, this time barely avoiding being blown off the train by the high wind as he moved into the next train car. The Vault Hunters had already passed through it, and Claptrap knew they should've been close to discovering the Jack dummy and the many bombs stationed around it. "Great, when the bombs explode, I'm screwed! Why didn't I think this over? If I sound happy, it's because I was programmed this way! I'm actually really anxious!" With that, he rolled forward, and then froze in fear as Jack's recording played. "...Welcome to Pandora, kiddos!"

"OH, GOD DAMM-" Claptrap never finished his sentence as the train exploded, sending every car behind it into the snow. Claptrap was flung out of the train as it blew up, sending him rolling along at around 30 miles per hour, causing him to bump and fly a little on each strike on the snow. With each time he struck the snow, he said something that was perfect with the smart-aleck personality he was programmed to hold. "Ohh! This! Is! Just! Great! I totally! Asked to! Be sent! Flying!" The steward bot eventually stopped, skidding to a standstill near a pile of corpses. He flung himself upright, having sustained minimal damage despite his previous abuse by Mother Nature.

He felt around for his head-mounted camera, which was still surprisingly functional and intact. "Amazing, I thought this thing would have broken in all the chaos back there!" He wheeled towards the corpses, and he pulled a shovel out of the ground, and began shoveling at the snow. The Vault Hunters became to come to consciousness as Claptrap shoveled away. "Great," he said along with the script, "more dead Vault Hunters. Handsome Jack's really been busy...or has he? Well, at least he's not trying to star his diamond pony Butt Stallion! Why am I speaking outside of the script? I need to stop...Ahem, again." He resumed shoveling, having stopped on his tirade. "Great," he repeated, "more dead Vault Hunters. Handsome Jack's really been busy." By this time, the Vault Hunters were conscious and crawling. "Hey," he said while acknowledging them. "You're not dead! Great!"

There was supposed to be a seventh Vault Hunter, but...Claptrap messed that up when he had been shoveling, for he had unknowingly broken the man's windpipe with his shovel. He shrugged it off and continued on, beginning to wheel towards the "abode" he had dubbed for himself. Under the wind, he muttered, "Seven, schmeven."

_J.R.'s Desk II: I try, haha. Maybe you guys might like this chapter!_


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